what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
