You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
