he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Randomize
