I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
