I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
