Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
