Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
