I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
