You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
My liver just had a heart attack.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
