so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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