dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
