When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Sorry about my life...
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
