I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
