Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
