Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
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So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
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Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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