I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
