90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
