I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
