I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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