John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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