Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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