Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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