Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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