Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
