My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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