Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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