Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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