when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Hippo gnu deer
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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