Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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