Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
