you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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