Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
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