Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
