my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
im about as happy as oj after his trial
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
