Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
