Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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