i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
