god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
