I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
