You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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