Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
