Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
