if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
