My first STD was from a foam party
handjob tips. give me some.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm passing your future prison.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
