So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
