No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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