i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
