I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
