This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
