I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
