the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
