so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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