so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
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