Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
