Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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