So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
